Thursday, November 6, 2014

Family Circle November, 1969

Last week at an estate sale, I came across a cache of old magazines for 50 cents each.  I can never pass these up.  I'm not sure why people hung on to 45-year-old magazines, but I'm glad they did.  The first magazine from this group I'll be posting is the November 1969 issue of Family Circle.  Warning, this one's picture (and poor joke) heavy.




A beautiful thing happens with the quiet color of Loving Care.  A disturbing thing happens when a stranger enters your house while you're sleeping.

As if taking their land and spreading disease and the sins of man weren't enough, we forced Jello upon them.

I'm almost tempted to try this.  Almost.

I'm not sure what it was about the Hungry Jack ads, but they were persuasive to me as child.  My mother made dense, flat biscuits.  These looked fluffy, layered and light.  I was convinced they were delicious, but we never had them at home.  Years later when I tried them, I discovered they actually weren't that good as a biscuit.  But they do make good donuts, deep fried and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.



This ad reminded me of the concoctions I would make at home as a child.  We typically didn't have snacks, so I had to improvise.  One of my favorite inventions was the pickle, mustard, cracker sandwich.  It's exactly what it sounds like made with dill pickle chips.

This ad is just...weird.

Anita Bryant's outspoken opinions and political campaigns against gays lead to an orange juice boycott in the late 1970's.

It's no unsolved mystery why Robert Stack married her. ROWR!

I can hear the bells from that bear jingling in my head now.


You know there was at least one joker who took that coupon to the store and presented it.

This dessert gives kids more...belly rolls.

I've never found toaster ovens to be very effective.  They take forever to make toast and burn any food you try to reheat in them.

"They think you're their mother".  Because you smell like an animal, you filthy hippie!



I've said it before.  Why did Madge have bowls of liquid dish soap sitting around.  What did she think was going to happen?





 I dig all of these hairdos...




 With the exception of "Helmet Head" in No. 7


And "Haystack" in No. 12.



At some point after this, Chore Girl became Chore Boy.

They were Super SUGAR Crisp and they were proud of it.  You got a problem with that, talk to the bear.




I never liked butter cookies.  Blandest cookie ever.


Hey kid.  A little mustard and pickle chip on that would go good.



This was an insert in the magazine and probably the best part.

Helen Gallagher Foster House was a novelty gift catalog company.  At some point after this, they got out of the novelty business and moved into horticulture.  They went out of business in 2001.







Look, Clown Man!  The Clown Signal!  Quick!  To the Clown Poles!


  


Look, Santa Man!  The Santa Signal!  Quick! To the...oh yeah, I already made this joke.

It wasn't actually named after the lovable movie character, it was the fact that it didn't really work.






I recall seeing banks like these advertised in comic books, but they had a skeleton theme.  They still sell them.


Now we know where Gary Gygax got the idea for those dice.




This is a great idea in theory, but "glow in the dark" fades after about 10 minutes, so not really helpful unless you're immediately coming back to the room.  Plus, there's something really disturbing about the owl's gaping maw.



The Sexy Clothes Hanger, to hang up your Sexy Pizza costume from Halloween.


We really could have used these when I was 4 and got bored sitting at the dinner table.  Fork, outlet, made sense at the time.




I'm sorry.  Nothing I could say could add to this.  It stands on its own.

  

Point a gun-shaped object at State Highway officials.  What could go wrong?










I was going to kiddingly comment on the toaster slot wars that increased the number of available slots to 6, then 8 and so on.  Then I discovered someone actually makes a 12-slot toaster.




Fifty years later, the taunting calls still echo in Johnny's head.  Unfortunantely, due to age-related urinary incontinence, it's true once again.

I'm not sure who started the marshmallows on sweet potatoes thing, but I'm not a fan.

Read "Look" magazine, so your husband won't think you're a complete idiot.


"The many faces of Thank You Pudding".  Wouldn't it have been more clever if the ad was a bunch of little kids with pudding smeared all over their faces?  No?


I could find no information on Bill Harrison and his "What A Relief" comic panels.


We print anything on shirts.  Including the phrase, "We Print Anything".

At first I thought that green coloring was actually part of the cake representing the apple and I was going to give props to Betty Crocker for accomplishing such a technological (bakealogical?) marvel. Then I realized it was some sort of printing flaw as the color extended into the frosting.  I also found an identical ad in another magazine that didn't have that coloring:


Better luck next time, Betty.

4 comments:

Caffeinated Joe said...

Wow. What can I say? Like a time capsule. That shower cap is hilarious. I remember Spencer Gifts did a catalog similar to this. The first time I had money of my own to spend on gifts for my family, I ordered from them. I think it helped that they had "buy 8 and each one is .88 cents" sales that helped spread my $10 or $15 over many people. LOL

Tom said...

I never catalog shopped, but I did buy everyone in my family a gift from Woolworth's. It was crap, but I felt like a big shot.

Bob Johns said...

Oh my gosh your commentary has me in stitches!

Tom said...

Glad you enjoyed, Bob. I'm an endless source of puns and bad jokes, so stick around.

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